Another Move to Master

I started this blog because I wrote a book and I wanted my friends to know about it. The Messenger is the account of a spiritual journey that started with my son’s death. I still refer to it here, but my Sunday messages have become more about what I’m learning while trying to live each day in harmony with spiritual principles.  I never lack for material.


My son had a sensei who taught him the martial art of Aikido. He once told me this: “Just when I’m sure Eddie has mastered a move, I knock him down again.” I think this is exactly what the Universe does. Just when you think you’ve mastered something, BAM. You’re down. At least, that’s how it works for me. This is not cruel. It is to bring you to higher levels.

For example: About four days ago, I started hearing my heart beat through my right ear. Believe me, this is disconcerting and frightening. And so, I did what people do nowadays. I went onto the Internet, looking for anything that would tell me I wasn’t crazy. As it turns out, this condition is not uncommon and actually has a name: pulsatile tinnitus. It may have an underlying cause, such as plaque in the carotid artery. On top of that, I was having pain and stiffness in my neck and headaches, something very rare for me. I did the next logical thing. I tried to make an appointment with my GP – who is unavailable until the end of September. The next thing I did was to make an appointment with an ENT physician. He’ll see me next week. You have to start somewhere. He will probably refer me to a cardiologist.

What I didn’t mention was that right before my heart starting coming through my ear, I’d had an unpleasant encounter (on paper, thank goodness) with a difficult person who made an offer on my house, then demanded so much, I couldn’t accept it. This was a guy with a lot of money – it wasn’t about that. It was about dominance. He just wanted a place to sleep on weekends while he kayaked in the river. He also intended to sell it down the road for a profit. Unlike him, my house, which is just a cottage (albeit a pretty one), is all I have. It’s my one big asset – my old age savings account. And as all readers of my blog know, I am selling it to move to Sedona, the place I feel I belong, to live a simple life.

This is my third deal gone wrong. I’ve been living in a fish bowl for two years, swimming upstream against a depressed market and encountering a community of buyers who are the most demanding that have ever lived in history.  My friends who have houses for sale will bear me out. The point of all this is – I thought I was handling things pretty well – even this last disappointment – until the ear thing. I was wrong. Stress had finally caught up with me. Spiritual me.

Again, I did the next logical thing. I went to see a beautiful lady who teaches yoga and is a gifted neuromuscular therapist. She can find things in your muscles you never knew you had. At least she could deal with the neck and headaches. She is also a very spiritual person. We speak the same language. She worked on me for two and a half hours, finding pain I never knew I had. But what she told me was that I still have stress in my neck and in my spine that is very old. Eventually, I’ll see a chiropractor she’s recommended. But the question is, how old can stress be and stay embedded in your body? Apparently, very old. There is something I haven’t dealt with.

I live what I think is a pretty healthy lifestyle. I don’t eat meat. I don’t drink or smoke. I avoid sugar and flour. I’m active. I meditate regularly. I’m generally a happy, healthy person. So what is this all about? I’m reading a book written by another spiritual person, an acupuncturist, a former Buddhist monk. He says symptoms are messages. I get it. I’m getting messages from my body that I’ve just got to let up. I’ve got to Let Go and Let God. I’ve got to stop trying to control things – like the future. It’s not that I don’t believe in letting go. I do. I’ve spent over thirty years of my life letting go. But the Universe never lets me stop learning. It is sending me a message – that I must trust the Great Spirit that looks after me and stop trying to make things happen. AGAIN. The spiritual path is work. Constant work. Constant learning.

And so, while the doctors and therapists are doing their work, I have to go back to Square One and stop creating stress. I have to find out what old karma is lurking in my spine. In November, I will go out to Sedona for some work on my spirit with some very wise people.

I’ve been knocked down. But I’m struggling to my feet. Evidently, there is another move to master.


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Look for The Messenger: The Improbable Story of a Grieving Mother and a Spirit Guide by Helen Delaney on